What dating tips and tricks often cover, and goes largely unrecognised: Dating patterns aka ‘issues’ often root in trauma. And these can only be accessed and integrated through working with the body.
Isn't it amazing: Yesterday I typed the title for the blogpost I wanted to write into my laptop: "Why we need to go into the body to change dating patterns". I opened Instagram to check something, and who showed up on top of my feed is Layla Martin* in a conversation with Marina Nabão**, saying:
"We may say: 'I want a beautiful, wonderful man to love me', but actually in my body, it was like: 'NO!'. That’s one of the most valuable parts of that work, that no matter what you say you want in your head, what you get is what your nervous system and your body believes to be safe. And often these barriers and blockages are unconscious until we do the somatic work, the trauma work, the embodiment work. And so it’s such a deeper journey, than people ever can kind of conceive of at first.”
This summarises pretty much the point I intend to make with this blogpost.
What I think about Dating advice
Many people ask me for dating advice, or what it means when he or she does this or that… And I read a lot of what others have to say on dating; in books, on instagram or in podcasts. While I encounter valuable tips on what certain behaviours (in oneself and others) can mean and what one can do about it (including Attachment Theory)..., I find that this factor often goes missing: That there's a layer much deeper to what we can understand rationally and bring about change by mere understanding;
It's what touches the realms of trauma and the subconscious.
Trauma goes often still largely unrecognised as a source for dating ‘issues’... for why many of us may have struggled to (co-)create stable, healthy, long-term romantic relationships... for patterns that we play out again and again, per example:
chasing someone, who is not available for whatever reason;
suddenly finding all the things we don’t like about someone even if we liked them in the beginning;
making one’s value dependent on the other person's liking of us;
waiting for them to choose us without even considering if we truly would want to choose them…
Et cetera.
As you personally and painfully may have come to understand by now: these patterns don’t just go away by learning about them... not even if we do our best to follow all the dating recommendations (careful, they can also be detrimental), or try to apply all the knowledge we have gained with our cognitive brains.
The relationship between Somatics & Trauma
When people think ‘oh, that must be fun, to coach people on dating and sexuality!’ I bring awareness to them that I’m not giving many dating advices, or tips how to increase pleasure in the body (although this happens too, and can be important).
Rather, my focus is on increasing the sense of internal safety, building resilience in the nervous system, and on supporting the integration of past wounds and trauma. Bringing about change, toward empowerment, agency, actual choice…
Trauma to me is the opposite of having choice. This description of trauma for me illustrates well how and why we can find ourselves literally “stuck” in dating patterns: "Trauma is an internal straitjacket created when a devastating moment is frozen in time. It stifles the unfolding of being, and strangles our attempts to move forward with our lives. It disconnects us from our selves, others, nature and spirit. When overwhelmed by threat, we are forzen in fear, as though our instinctive survival energies were 'all dressed up with no place to go'." (Peter Levine)
Traumatic events create chaos in our nervous system (and relationships!) often very early in life (see Attachment Theory), and result in symptoms which we are largely not aware of, as their roots lies in the subconscious.***
What is the "Soma"?
To access these early imprints, the subconscious, trauma or also “implicit memory”, we need to work with the body. Soma is often translated as "the body living in its wholeness" (note: wholeness being the opposite of fragmentation, which is what happens in our system when trauma occurs). The body or soma has its own language: It speaks through sensations, images, movement, emotions and feelings, as well as thoughts (old beliefs and thought patterns that we then get to change, yay!)
Personally...
Thankfully, after a few years of talking therapy, somatics came into my life. Through women's work, and then in 2021 the somatic-based methodology I got trained in within the VITA-™ Sex Love Relationship Coaching Certification.
I believe only through - or largely thanks to - that work, I've managed to gradually
Feel safe(r) around men (also bring about meaningful change to the relationship with my father and brother 🥰)
Increase my sense of worthiness
Be more expressive in romantic contexts (more truthful, sharing vulnerably, set clearer boundaries, allow tears to flow, and navigate anger, shame and other emotions better…)
See things more objectively and more often from a distance, which equals peace (amidst the chaos of life, yay!)…
Have greater compassion for myself, and others…
In short, to experience love in a different way….
A bit about Somatic Coaching and Somatic Experiencing (and why I'm choosing it)
The VITA-™ methodology goes beyond what people usually can imagine. Seeing its effects within and without me, I’ve been wanting to go deeper yet, know more details about neurobiology and be really qualified to hold safe space for trauma integration to occur.
Then, my former mentor Marina Nabão brought my attention to Somatic Experiencing, sharing about how well it combined with the VITA-™ tools. I researched and found trust in that this internationally renowned, body-oriented modality that helps heal trauma and other stress disorders can give me what I'm looking for. My final Yes to the practitioner training came when I immersed myself in the work of Diane Poole Heller on Attachment Theory, and in her bio read that she has been studying Somatic Experiencing®, too…
Which reaffirmed for me that, if we want to actually change our (romantic) relationship dynamics, we need to address trauma, and work with the body… It validated also my belief in that the better we know ourselves, the better our relationship to ourselves becomes, and hence to others… And to know ourselves, we need to connect with the physical, emotional, rational, energetic (as well as spiritual, if you want so) levels of our being.
According to my Somatic Experiencing trainer, already in the 17th century, philosopher Baruch Spinoza stated something along the line of:
“The better the internal awareness, the greater we are connected to our real self”.
Strengthening internal awareness is very much what Somatic Experiencing teaches...
“Knowing Ourselves, loving each other” is the subtitle of a book I recently read, “Closer Together” (which Gabor Maté calls “a charming and highly readable book that casts fresh light on human development and mental health”) - affirming my point further…
When the (dating aka life) journey becomes pleasant…
Somatic Experiencing has such a reputation, you may want to keep your eyes and ears open for it from now on… Also… I’d be honoured to guide you on parts of your journey of coming more and more home to yourself, working with the material that comes up with regards to dating, intimacy, connection. Which is a lifelong journey, of course; There's so much to discover in ourselves, in relationships.
What I can tell from my experience is that it’s very pleasant when we can start to enjoy this journey of life, of love... with all its ups and downs. As we start to recognise the gifts in every moment, every encounter, learning from and growing through them...
Thank you for reading till here! I'll love to hear from you what you've been taking away from it, have learnt and experienced.
With love,
Rahel
*Layla Martin is the founder of the somatic-based coaching methodology I got certified and trained in in 2021, as Sex Love Relationship coach.
**and Marina a senior teacher of the same program, as well as my former mentor - who inspired me very much to start the Somatic Experiencing® 3-year practitioner training.
***please note: not only ‘shock’ trauma (e.g. an accident, rape or war experiences) is trauma, there’s also developmental trauma, like neglect in childhood, emotional abuse etc. (of which we are often quite unaware and which may take longer to integrate). Also: trauma is part of the human experience, happens in bigger or smaller degree day by day, to all of us.
Welcome to check also my other offerings where somatics comes into play: Our online Flirty Friday classes - your weekly dose of pleasure, sisterhood and embodiment. Or, if you happen to be in Bali, my Conscious Speed Dating events.
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